What I am Grateful For
Laila heard me yesterday. I could tell in the way she looked at me. I was looking down for a long time, reading from my “Dear Iran” letter during Messages in Motion day. I was talking about how I wanted so badly to create these workshops and how I wanted to be able to give young people what I thought they needed and how I believe in this work, in re-representing Iran. And then I said that I think that this is partly Iran’s fault because it created a situation in which my dad could take on a second wife and divorce my mom and so we were just really unhappy here in this country and had no time to learn to become confident so I was so insecure when planning these workshops that I couldn’t even ask for money would just say , “Oh if you want to pay you can but it’s not necessary!” When it was necessary and this is such important work and I am the only one who seems unconvinced of it but also convinced of it…
Anyway I was lost in these thoughts and trying to express, for the first time out loud to a public who is not my mom, the disappointment and rejection I feel on account of the Persian turnout for these workshops and such and so I look up after having worked through these thoughts, after having gesticulated and hidden my face in my notebook and after having taken some time to try and work through my thoughts and the first thing I see when I look up is Laila. She is looking at me and she has an expression on her face that blends sympathy with surprise. And she lingered in looking me longer than people normally do, as if she was trying to read me, as if she was trying to understand where all the feelings suddenly came from. Perhaps as if she was trying to say, “I hear you. I hear you. And it sucks.” Or maybe just “I hear you.”
And then I looked at Nuala and she had a piece of pizza hanging in mid-air and was just looking at me with a similar expression, something like, “I had no idea.” Maybe they wanted me to say more. Maybe they thought there was more to say. Maybe they were grateful to be there for me in that moment. Maybe they had no idea how much they were being there for me in that moment. Maybe Laila has no idea how she has saved me, has no idea how she has contributed to creating a better world by being one of 2 consistent, intelligent and interested members of this workshop. Maybe Laila has no idea that had it not been for her, this workshop would never have kept going.
Maybe Laila has no idea that whatever positive benefits arise from this workshop in the future, whatever successes the workshops bring into the Iranian community, whatever successes they bring to our sponsors, whatever it does for my own needs and activism and actions, whatever positive consequences anyone experiences, whatever changes ultimately occur in the psyche of western audiences after this workshop, all of that will be because of her.
Because she did this. Because she sat in that seat day after day and participated. Because she showed up every day at 10 AM. Because she got off the train at Market East and walked up the seven blocks or so to 12th and Vine. Because she did not complain of hunger. Because she brought in her macbook and she and Chelsea helped to tile the background of the blog. Because they listened when we spoke. Because they offered insights. Because Chelsea was invited by Laila and had it not been for Laila and Chelsea could not then have taught me CSS and our blog would be a random listing of events on a poorly organized page. Because Laila wrote. Because Laila spoke. Because Laila shared herself. Because Laila made me want to keep going. Because Laila showed me that it can be possible to be excited about teaching two students if those students are exceptional as mine have been. Because Laila kept me going. She probably has no idea.
But I am glad that they were at least there for the Messages in Motion day. When Laura and Nuala first came in, I felt so bad that I had only had two students to offer them, but by mid-day, I realized that our 2 students were perfect. First of all, they were so bright that they could pick up on messages and images in the videos that we might have overlooked otherwise. And second of all, they were so engaged with the ideas, with the politics of representation that for nearly 30 minutes, we discussed how men treat and sometimes objectify women and how that extends to nations beyond consumption-oriented Western nations. We talked about how Iran’s policies towards gender encourage a different type of objectification. We would never have been able to do that had there been more students because we would have had to be much more concerned with fitting in all our activities into the four short hours we had.
Instead, during these four hours, we were able to watch videos carefully, to discuss gender politics, to think about what it means to be a part of a community, and to spend time carefully writing our voice-overs and selecting our images. So overall, I felt the day was a great success though I have to say I was a bit surprised that none of the students chose to write to Iran and both chose to write to Philadelphia. It surprised me because it showed me that they identify more with Philly than they do with Iran, which is interesting because I don’t identify with Philadelphia and think I’ve actually never identified with any American city or place…I’ve always just felt a little out of place, a little foreign, a little outside, everywhere.